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by Jeffrey Leiken, M.A.
There is arguably no more challenging or unsettling a life stage than
that of the budding adolescent girl growing up in our culture in modern
times.
Adolescent girls are inundated with messages of how their self-worth
and place in the pecking order is based on their bodies — and how
their bodies compare not just to their peers but to the top supermodels
on earth. They are overloaded with messages that what they wear can make
or break their access to the next level of social acceptance. Whether
they are "in" or "out" is often determined by
other girls, usually without them knowing anything was wrong.
They are much crueler to one another than most boys will ever be to
them. The worst is when we learn how cruel they can be to themselves.
There is also a myth that they are taught at a young age — a myth
that dominates their psyche as they awaken to their budding sexuality.
It is perhaps best called the "Cinderella Myth." It is the
story that someday their prince will come; that someday a man will come
and find in them their true beauty which was held captive by their competitors
(always other girls or women!) or which they never knew they possessed.
Then it is his love, his kiss, which will awaken them and set them free
. . . which will complete them.
How many times has the story been told? How often is this plot line
played out in movies, books, and television shows? How often is it reinforced
in school, at home and, yes, even in camp — from their counselors
who spend an hour primping in the mirror every night off and from the
peers and counselors who make a big deal of looking just right for the
big dance! It all sends and reinforces the message.
Thus they fight amongst themselves, lie to one another, say hurtful
things to one another as they scramble to be at the top of the pack —
the right pack, the "popular crowd" — to be attractive
to the right boys and to attract to them their Prince Charming.
Being so dependent upon external validation and so vulnerable to peer
attacks leads most girls to be massively insecure. We joke about their
inability to go to the bathroom alone — to go anywhere alone! They
can't make decisions without first taking into account the opinions
of others and the social consequences that might come upon them. By thirteen
most of them have begun to create and fortify a secret world from their
parents, knowing their parents would never understand nor approve of some
of the choices they make to fit in and stay with the pack — especially
regarding how "far" they'll go sexually with boys. Recent
movies like "13" (a true story written by one of the film's
stars) reveals the startling truth of how sexually active they are. Camp
directors wince at the thought of their campers engaging in this dangerous
behavior and deny that it's possible. At the end of the season they
have to admit they were wrong.
Of the many recent books written about the "mean girl" phenomena,
few offer resolution to this pattern of behaviors. Many suggest support
groups for adult women who survived the horrors of their adolescent girlhood
and are still haunted by the insecurity. Therapy groups for girls with
eating disorders are popping up everywhere. Camps regularly receive notes
from the psychologists who are working with them at younger and younger
ages. So much of this takes such a defeatist, reactive approach!
It Doesn't Have to Be This Way!
Young women can find a new direction — a totally different way
of approaching their lives. When they do, the results are stunning.
To accomplish this, we must first and foremost define what that new
way of living is. We must essentially recreate a reality for girls in
which they wake up each morning and feel good about themselves and are
filled with an abundant sense of possibilities. We must teach them the
skills, the mind-set, the awareness they'll need to make the choices
to make this new reality, become their reality.
In retreats at camp with girls of this age, I begin, "Imagine
what it would be like if you knew in all certainty that:
- You could trust fully and completely every girl sitting with you
today — for as long as you live.
- You knew in all certainty they would never do or say anything to
hurt you intentionally.
- If they ever had a problem with you they would come to you directly
and resolve it.
- They would never spread rumors about you and in fact would make an
effort to squash any rumors they hear about you before it became gossip.
- They would stick up for you.
- They would always be honest with you.
- They would never make comments about how fat your butt looks in those
pants or say anything which pushes buttons where you are insecure!
- They would encourage you and support you to be yourself, to take
risks and accept you unconditionally for any ways this meant you needed
to be different.
- You would never again have the experience of walking into a room
and having everyone get quiet because they had been talking about you
— if it did happen you could trust they only got quiet because
they were planning a surprise party for you!
What would that be like?
Typically I am met with a stunned silence. Some think I'm crazy,
and they tell me so (after all they are thirteen!). Some don't know
how to respond. Some have questions about "How . . . . "
All listen, intently. All fully realize I mean what I say when I say
that it is possible.
You must create reference experiences for them — experiences that
once they've had them, they now know what's possible and thus
can no longer say "it can't be done." Then girls can
begin to choose to do what it takes to make their lives this way, all
the time, even — especially — at home.
You must act with great intention to offer your campers a whole different
kind of learning than they get in traditional culture. It takes role models
who live it and demonstrate it consistently. It takes a willingness to
put the time in to teach them how to communicate — positively and
cleanly with one another. It takes the willingness to put in the time
to teach them how to use this new approach each time the old stimulus
comes up, reminding them constantly that they have a choice. It takes
a willingness to ban any negative comments about each other's bodies.
It takes a willingness to intervene each time they say something negative
about their own bodies.
Nowhere can this be more easily or effectively done than in camps, but
it requires going the distance. Camps cannot be content thinking that
because the girls are happier at camp than at home things at camp must
be great. The camps that are having success in moving girls effectively
in this new direction are using a multifaceted approach.
Some of the things these camps do in common are:
- Intervene immediately and consistently when incidents
happen between girls and make certain the issue is processed and resolved.
Many camps think they do this, but in reality, many counselors let many
comments and small incidents go by without intervention. Sometimes this
is because it is just so exhausting as each one can demand so much time
and energy! "I train my counselors in the skills to resolve conflicts
and process through personal issues," says Ann Batley, owner and
director of Camp Mont Shenandoah in Virginia. "Then I insist that
they intervene every time something comes up. They must be consistent
and persistent about this. We don't always have the answers but
our campers know that they will not slip through the cracks and that
here it is never okay to be hurtful to another girl."
- Empower by making ongoing comments that point
to strengths and what is working. "We have built into our
activity program a series of achievable goals that our girls aspire
to. In fact they come back to camp to work on these goals." says
Louise Johnson, co-director of Camp Arcadia in Casco, Maine. "We
celebrate each of their successes — many times this is done publicly
— and encourage our older campers to support our younger ones.
This has become our culture. It is not that the girls don't ever
have issues, but they are so much more oriented toward the positive
and what they can do while at camp, that these negative issues do not
come up nearly as often."
- Encourage laughter of the most innocent nature.
There is massive research supporting the positive impact of laughter
and the subsequent release of endorphins. These are exactly the endorphins
that the popular culture inhibits being present in girl's lives.
"When they laugh," says Jani Brokaw, owner and director
of Campus Kids Minisink in New York, "their problems go away —
they simply can't exist simultaneously. I only hire counselors
who are positive, and we build silly, playful fun into their schedule
every day." As a result of this and Brokaw's numerous other
intentional efforts, many girls who struggle at home and even who struggled
at other less intentional camps, thrive at Minisink.
- Select, train, and support the right counselors
with the right personality type. "We looked at this age
group over several years and recognized the difference between the amount
of issues that happened with different counselors on duty," says
Marc Honigfeld, co-owner and director of Trails End Camp in Pennsylvania.
Trails End has perhaps one of the most proactive programs for girls
this age of any camp in the country — beginning each summer with
an overnight retreat for their thirteen-year-old girls the very first
night of camp, where they address these issues with their campers and
lead them to commit to creating their ideal culture. "We identified
certain personality traits in counselors which this age group responded
better to — and we knew we needed strong assertive young women
who would be willing to intervene without hesitation the moment things
went off track." They now are uncompromising about placing only
strong, positive, confident role models as counselors for this age —
not young women with many unresolved issues of their own sense of security
and self-confidence. In addition to placing the right counselors with
this age group, they provide these counselors intensive extra support
and guidance, including special training during orientation, from specialists
who help lead them through the challenges of this age group.
The Key to Success
The key to this whole process is to be uncompromisingly intentional
about how we work with girls of this age and to believe it is totally
possible for them to learn what it takes to become happy, healthy, and
centered young women. With this attitude and this approach, success —
though it may take time and much effort — is guaranteed.
Originally published in the 2005 May/June issue
of Camping Magazine. |
