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by Bob Ditter
DEAR
BOB,
We had a problem this summer with one of our older cabins. A group
of thirteen-year-old boys was horsing around while changing after swimming
when a small group of them harassed one of the boys who, it turns out,
was new to the group. They took his bathing suit off and then began to
tease him about his body. What exactly happened is not clear, as there
was not a counselor in the cabin at the time.
The boy's parents were understandably upset when he told them about
it in a letter home (we do not allow phone calls). The boy never said
anything about it to us, so we first learned about the incident when
his parents called us quite upset. Their contention is that the boys
should never have been left unattended. They said that one of the reasons
they chose our camp was because of a claim in our brochure about twenty-four-hour
supervision.
Bob, how do we solve the problem of privacy with older boys and girls
while maintaining a high level of supervision? We don't believe older
boys, who should be showing signs of increased maturity, should have
counselors hovering over them twenty-four hours a day. Are we wrong to
assume that older children would be uncomfortable and find it offensive
to have counselors watching them while they change or shower? Thanks
in advance for your comments.
- Changing Times
DEAR CHANGING,
The problem you describe has been an issue at many camps, some of which
have actually become involved in litigation over the matter of alleged
substandard supervision. The standard that I have been using is that
counselors do not need to be within eyesight of their campers all the
time. This is especially true for older campers, who, as you point out,
would feel extremely uncomfortable if counselors watched them as they
changed or showered. However, counselors do need to be within earshot
of their campers at all times. Had the counselor of the boys you mention
been on the porch of their cabin, he would have heard the ruckus and
been able to step in to prevent the boys from going too far.
I have one thought about your comment that these older boys "should
be showing signs of increased maturity." While it would be nice to think
that this were so, many people have made egregious errors based on what
they thought "should" be true. Adolescent boys regress easily. Put them
into a situation where they have to take their clothes off (changing
times, showering), and the anxiety they may feel about their bodies,
their development, and how they "measure up" to other boys is enough
to cause a calamity. If anything, I think every counselor should assume
that some boys may need more supervision during these vulnerable times,
not less. Again, the way to achieve that is to have counselors within
earshot of the boys, whether in the next room or just outside the changing
area or showering area, so that there is privacy and coverage.
DEAR BOB,
We have a problem that we have never experienced before. We recently got a
call from a parent with a complaint that one of our male counselors has been
I-Ming (editor's note: I-M is shorthand for Instant Messaging) their daughter
with remarks that are sexually suggestive. This parent claimed that there
were other girls who had received similar messages from this counselor, who
is a popular, energetic young man who has been with us for two or three years.
Indeed, when we checked, there were other parents who knew about the situation,
but it was also clear that they had all spoken to one another before we got
to them. We did speak to some of the girls directly (with their parents listening
in), and while I do not doubt their story, it was clear that some of them
had been "coached" by their parents. It is difficult to know what to do about
this, since I am not sure whether the parents were insinuating that we had
a pedophile on our hands or not. Also, each of the girls had erased the messages
immediately, so we had no firm proof in the form of a record of these messages.
What the counselor typically would say in these messages was what he would
do with the girl if they were ever to be able to meet alone sometime. Again,
we couldn't come up with hard evidence about what the counselor had written,
and though I was a bit uncomfortable with the "group mentality" that had
developed among the parents and their daughters, I was also clear in my own
mind that this counselor could not be asked back to camp. But is he a pedophile?
Bob, what's my next move? As we said, the counselor in question is very popular,
although there have been some concerns that he is, at times, too friendly
with campers. We also once had to tell him not to give campers back rubs
and not to sit female campers on his lap. The lap incident occurred on a
bus which he claimed, rightly so, was crowded, so this was his attempt to
make room.
- Uncertain in Cyber Space
DEAR CYBER SPACE SUFFERER,
You are not the first camp person who has told me about problems related
to the Internet. Indeed, this is an area that may need more attention.
Though it can be a wonderful way for staff to keep in touch with you
and one another, it has been relatively unexplored in terms of potential
problems. Because it is a medium that teens, staff, and parents are using
more and more, especially with reference to camp, it is not surprising
that some people may choose to use it unwisely.
Let's tackle the question of whether this counselor is a pedophile.
The answer is that we do not know whether this young man is or has the
potential to become a pedophile, but he certainly is a menace, and that
is the word I would use with him and with the parents and their daughters.
As to proof, there have been indications from what you have said that
this young man may have some boundary issues, especially with the lap-sitting
and the back rubs, but if you are not accusing him of a crime, what you
need is to be "comfortable" or "uncomfortable" having him in your camp
- period! And though I understand your concern about the parents coaching
their daughters, it is not surprising, and in some ways admirable, that
the various parents have come together to protect their daughters. Could
this all be a made up prank by one of the girls? This has certainly happened
before. However, to have this counselor back, who admittedly has shown
you some other "red flags," would not only alienate those parents, they
would waste no time spreading the word to other families. So, again,
he may not be a pedophile, but you simply cannot invite him back to camp
based on your comfort level alone.
The feeling you want parents to have after you speak with them is that
you are responsive to their concerns about safety and that you put a
lot of effort into maintaining that "safe envelope" at camp into which
they entrust their daughters (and sons).
By the way, about the lap-sitting incident. My experience is that it
is exactly this kind of plausible situation - the bus being too crowded
- that people with poor boundaries take full advantage of. The girl sitting
on his lap (and you did not indicate how old she was) could have just
as easily sat on an older girl's lap, or some other younger female camper
could have sat on the lap of a trusted female counselor, thus not involving
him in the situation in any way.
DEAR BOB,
It has come to our attention this fall that we had a problem
in our boys' middle camp that we were unaware of. Evidently there was
a widespread "game" which the boys supposedly called "humping" - where
boys who were eleven, twelve, and thirteen - would simulate intercourse
using a pillow and, perhaps in one or two cases, each other. When other
boys were involved it was always with clothes on, though in the cabin,
the game when "played" with a pillow might occur with just underwear
or a bathing suit.
When I checked this out with our supervisors, they claimed they had
vaguely heard about it but never witnessed it or heard a complaint about
it from a camper or counselor. When we checked with counselors, they
confirmed that this had, indeed, been a regular practice by many boys
and that they had felt powerless to do anything about it. Bob, you can
imagine my frustration. During orientation and the rest of the summer
we always tell our staff to come to us if they are feeling challenged
with any camper behavior. What can we do short of resigning ourselves
to the fact that there will always be things we don't know about going
on in our camp? That thought frightens me.
- Missed It in Michigan
DEAR MISSED (OR IS IT "MIFFED?"),
I can well understand your frustration. . . and . . . I have a suggestion.
Don't wait for your staff to come to you. Go to them on a regular basis,
sit down with them in small groups with counselors who are working with
campers in the same age range, and check in. Will there always be counselors
who do not come to you or their supervisors? Yes, for many staff doing
so often feels like admitting a weakness or vulnerability they do not
want to admit. I find that when I check in with small groups throughout
the summer, I find out volumes that I would never know about had I not
asked. Not only do you create a face-saving way for staff to receive
support, they support one another as a result of being "in the trenches," debriefing
together with an interested supervisor. Knowing what we know about staff,
which is that they wish to appear competent and do not want to risk ridicule,
for us to continue a practice that patently doesn't work - asking them
to come to us - is simply not smart. In some cases, it could also lead
to negative consequences for campers and camp.
Originally published in the 2003 January/February
issue of Camping Magazine.
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