by Bob Ditter
Dear Bob,
At our coed day camp this summer, we had a six-year-old female camper
whose parents insisted that she be allowed to swim in our camp pool without
wearing a top. Their position was that there is nothing for her to hide
at her age and — since six-year-old boys routinely swim without wearing
a top — by asking her to wear one we were enforcing a policy that
was unfair to her simply because she is a girl. These are parents who are
very concerned about any practice or attitude that might imply that boys
are in some way superior to girls, thereby raising the possibility that
she might develop a feeling of being inferior simply because she is female.
While we are also very concerned about treating boys and girls the same,
we are not ready to allow little girls to swim topless. The parents said
they would feel obliged to pull their child from our camp if we made her
wear a bathing suit top. What are your thoughts, Bob? We were clear about
maintaining our policy, but not sure how to respond to these parents.
— Perplexed at the Pool
Dear Perplexed,
I can certainly empathize with
the concern of parents who want to raise their daughters to feel as valued
and to have the same rights and privileges as boys. The parents you refer
to have great intentions. I wonder about their proposed solution.
While boys and girls should be treated with equal fairness and should
have the same privileges, responsibilities, opportunities and restraints,
they are not anatomically or emotionally the same. Acting as if they
are does a disservice to each gender. How stimulating or discomforting
would it be for other children — boys or girls — to have prepubescent
girls swimming topless? At what age does the policy change? What about
girls who develop at different ages? For example, if a girl at age eleven
has not developed breasts, should she be allowed to swim topless?
However, interesting as this question may be, it is not the one you asked
me. You did not ask me about the merits of allowing younger girls to swim
as their boy counterparts do. If I were to say that I think younger girls
could swim topless, or that we routinely see two- and three-year olds swimming
that way, so why not five- and six-year olds? — that is not the issue.
However, it’s not my camp, it’s yours — and you’ve
decided to stick to your policy. Given that, the question you asked is, "What
do I say to these parents?"
What you simply say is — kids are well aware that different households
have different rules or tolerances. Kids know that when you go visit a
friend, you abide by the rules and tolerances of that household. If you
don’t, you may be asked to leave and/or you may not be invited back.
If you disagree with the values or rules in your friend’s house,
then maybe your friend comes to your house instead. For example, in some
households watching certain television shows or playing with certain interactive
games are okay; while in others it is not. In some households there is
a high level of supervision; while in others there is not. In some households
there is a high tolerance for noise; in others, not.
Your camp is your "household." In it, you make and maintain
rules for the good of everyone there. While you may agree with an individual
parent’s opinion or perspective on a particular issue, you must maintain
an environment that is comfortable for or fair to everyone. When children
come to your "house," they are expected to abide by the policies
and rules and procedures that you have established. If they disagree, they
don’t have to come.
On the issue of allowing girls to swim topless, many parents allow girls
to do so up to a certain age. Roughly speaking, somewhere around age three
or four, society in general seems to expect that practice to change. Indeed,
there are camps where children and even entire families can go and be nude — camps
where such nudity is not considered sexual or provocative or over-stimulating.
From what you say, your camp is not one of them.
If other camp professionals, especially female leaders of all-girls’ camps,
have an opinion about allowing younger girls to swim topless, I would like
to hear your opinions.
Dear Bob,
This summer we had an incident where some of our seventh grade boys had
possession of some Playboy-type magazines, which they were caught reading
during rest hour. When confronted, the three boys we caught claimed the
magazines were not theirs, but were being "leased" for a fee
from some older boys. After a long and bumpy process, we finally determined
the owner of the magazines, who eventually admitted to running his "business" throughout
the upper boys’ camp. We confiscated the magazines from the boys
who had them and made them call their parents, which seemed like a fitting
and satisfactory response. For the boy who ran the "business," however,
we felt something a little stronger was in order, since he not only brought
the contraband into camp, but was exploiting others — neither of
which fit the values of our camp. We therefore decided to have him go home
for three days (he lives about three hours from camp).
His parents were outraged that we would send him home and actually refused
to come pick him up! They told us that they had checked in with other parents
who all agreed that our consequence for their son was too harsh. What do
you think?
— Pickled by Parents
Dear Pickled,
I would ask the parents of this boy whether, when they decide on a consequence
for their son when he is at home, they poll the neighborhood and put
their decisions as parents to a vote! As long as you are clear beforehand that
certain items are not to be brought to camp and as long as you have internally
thought things through, then it is important for you to maintain what
you have decided is fair. This can be a tough stance to take, especially if
parents threaten to withdraw their business or try to drag other parents
into their situation. However, I know that many other parents will be
relieved that you are keeping standards they can count on. One of the reasons
parents send their children to camp — aside from the friendships and social
and emotional growth their children experience — is to have them
in an environment where there are standards and where there is supervision — in
many cases, a level of supervision that exceeds what they know they themselves
can provide at home. Be pleasant, but be firm. If you don’t keep
the rules in your "house," then how do you expect your staff
or campers to respect those same rules?
To Directors: This summer, while visiting camps across the United States,
I heard about many instances where gambling, specifically poker playing
among adolescent boys, was not only prevalent, but in some cases presented
a challenge. Given the popularity of poker and the high profile it
is currently receiving, I would like to hear from you if poker playing
among campers was prevalent at your camp to a greater degree than
in past years, and whether any challenges or problems arose as a
result, such as large sums of money being wagered or fights breaking
out, etc. You may e-mail your thoughts to bobditter1@aol.com. Thanks
in advance for sharing. I will write about poker playing at camp
in a future "In the Trenches" column.
Originally published in the 2004 November/December
issue of Camping Magazine.
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